


Be Still My Beating Heart

by DWImpala67



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe Mob Boss, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Digital Art, Emotional Hurt, Estrangement, Getting Back Together, Heartache, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Married Couple, Meant To Be, Mob Boss Jensen Ackles, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, References to Drugs, The Author Regrets Nothing, mentions of divorce, mentions of heart disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29429067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DWImpala67/pseuds/DWImpala67
Summary: Jared meets his estranged husband for the first time after five years. He can already foresee his husband demanding some answers which will turn into a full-blown fight. What he doesn’t expect is for his husband to collapse the moment he hands him the divorce papers.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki, Katie Cassidy/Chad Michael Murray, Steve Carlson/Christian Kane
Comments: 21
Kudos: 148
Collections: SPN Meant to Be Master Collection





	Be Still My Beating Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Spn Meant To Be Prompt: Bound to Sicilian’s Bed.  
> Rocco's outrageous proposition: His estranged wife will spend one final weekend in his bed! When Rocco's runaway wife asks for a divorce, the Sicilian billionaire seizes his chance! They've never discussed their painful past, but this is the perfect opportunity to get Nicole out of his system for good. He offers her a deal: if Nicole wants to move on with her life, she will be his one last time!
> 
> The outline maybe roughly same otherwise the story goes tangent to the prompt. A huge shout out to the mods for running this awesome challenge for yet another year!
> 
> Many hugs and thank you's to Jen for being the awesome beta that she is, as always. Wouldn't have done it without you. 
> 
> Both story and art by me. Do not repost or copy without my permission. 
> 
> English is not my native language. Kindly forgive in case of any mistakes. 
> 
> Happy Reading!

“Sir, you need to calm down please,” the nurse said, pushing Jared away from Jensen.

“No, you don’t understand. He’s my husband,” Jared said with an increased pitch in his voice at the nurse as he was forced out of the way. 

“We know. But please, you have to let us do our work. Please cooperate.” With a pointed look at Jared, the nurse closed the door, leaving a worried Jared in the hospital lobby.

Having landed in America after five years, Jared didn’t know what was painful. Meeting Jensen and serving him with divorce papers or watching him lying unconscious strapped to a gurney as they wheeled him into the emergency room. As things stood today, he wasn’t sure he had made the right decision. 

Jared and Jensen grew up together, went to school and college together, and fell in love with each other. Nothing else mattered because they were always together. The love sick fool Jared was back then, believed firmly that as long as Jensen was with him, he could conquer the world. They were unstoppable, nothing could tear them apart, until one day when Jensen’s father was killed by the rival mafia and it threw Jensen into the dreadful world of politics and mob circles, blood and gore, driven with revenge. Jared had tried his best to be Jensen’s anchor when needed, but even he couldn’t tell when his loving and wonderful husband had turned into a bitter, cold and calculated killer. 

Both of them came from established organised crime families. The Ackles and Padaleckis were a close-knit group. Half of the city was under their control and Mark Sheppard, the hardcore drug cartel, controlled the other half. During Aaron Ackles reign, there was a sort of truce between Sheppard and them, but the new right-hand man of Mark Sheppard, Victor Castle, was stirring the pot which led to some scuffles between the two groups. So far, they had dealt it with. Being the drug lords, Sheppard didn’t hesitate in using human slaves for smuggling drugs, but the Padaleckis refused. Even if they were the mafia, they always maintained standards. They were never into human trafficking, and it was the bone of contention between the Padalecki organization and Sheppard’s for a long time. 

Victor Castle was not a regular guy you messed with. Everyone warned Jensen not to underestimate the guy who had quickly climbed the ranks to be an important part of Sheppard’s organization. It was Victor who played a major role in the eventual clash that happened at a meeting between Ackles and Sheppard, which had led to the death of Aaron Ackles. When Jensen took over, he was specifically told to monitor Victor Castle. But in his rage, he went after Mark Sheppard and didn’t expect the ambush that followed, which not only killed Mark but also Jared’s brother, Jerome Padalecki. Jared had pleaded and pleaded with Jensen and Jerome to be careful and not to go in half-assed, only for all his pleas to fall on deaf ears. Victor planned the ambush, very well blindsiding Jensen and his men. With Sheppard’s death, Victor became the new boss of Sheppard’s organization, marrying Mark’s daughter. That day was bittersweet for Jensen. He got his revenge, but he also lost Jerome, whom he’d been looking up to as his big brother. 

Jared, though, was devastated. He had asked his husband not to go after Sheppard, but he’d refused to take Jared seriously. Instead, he had promised that nothing would happen to Jerome and he would come back home safely. But unfortunately that hadn’t been the case. Jensen became even more bitter after that. There was an open war between the two mob families. There was too much bloodshed on both ends. Jared was a sweet soul, caring and passionate, and he was the only one among the Padaleckis organization who chose not to be involved in family legacy and became an artist. The violence and Jensen’s blood thirst was too much for him to handle. They didn’t speak, and whenever they did; there ended up being hateful towards each other. The last shoe dropped when, during an argument, Jensen told Jared to mind his own business and stop pimping out towards their enemy. From that day onwards, the distance between them only got wider and wider until one day Jared gave Jensen the ultimatum that he can either be Jared’s husband or he can be the head of Padalecki organization. To Jared’s horror, Jensen chose the latter. In no time, Jared had packed his bags and left the city, heartbroken and determined to carve a safe niche for himself where he could forget about all the loss, blood and violence that he’d dealt with.

It had been five years since Jared had last seen Jensen. After he left, Jared had moved himself to Scotland, as the professor of arts, teaching at the Glasgow School of Art. He had struggled in the beginning, trying to adjust his life. A life without Jensen. Jared had made it through, focusing on his exhibitions and giving his life to share his creativity with his students. Slowly he had made his life work. Now, standing in the hospital lobby, scared shitless, Jared realized he had failed to gauge just how hard it must have been for Jensen when Jared left.

Jared looked around as he heard footsteps and saw the familiar faces of Chad and Chris, with Steve and Katie right behind them. One look at his friends and Jared crumbled. Chad rushed towards his friend and engulfed him in a tight hug, trying to soothe his friend. These were Jared’s best friends once. The people whom both Jared and Jensen relied on. Jared knew that when he left, these were the same people who had held the pieces together when Jensen’s heart had shattered. He also knew that when he left, he had cut off contact not only with Jensen but his friends too. Yet, these are the same people who were standing with Jared at his hour of need. He was coming to terms with the fact that leaving them all behind was one of his biggest mistakes. 

“What’s the doctor saying?” Chris asked him, slowly patting his back. 

Jared looked up, controlling his tears for the time being, still holding Chad’s hands, into the blue eyes that are shining and speaks, “They didn’t say much.” He hiccupped, “They just said that his heartbeat is erratic and that he needed immediate investigation. I don’t know what’s happening. Please, Chris...I can’t lose him.” Jared found something akin to sympathy shining in Chris’ eyes and once again lost the battle and broke down. 

“Jaybird, calm down, man. We all know Jensen is a stubborn bastard. He won’t go down so easily,” Chad said, trying his best to soothe his friend. 

“Yeah, he’ll fight. He has to.” Katie spoke softly this time and seeing their support, Jared felt grateful that these people didn’t let their hurt and disappointment show at this point. He knew it deeply hurt them when Jared left, and he was immensely thankful that even after everything they were here for him. No judgements or no complaints. It was their support that was keeping Jared grounded. 

Jared only nodded. His cries had subsided by now, but he was still afraid. It had been over an hour since Jensen was wheeled into the ER room and there had seen nurses and doctors rushing in and out. No one was willing to tell them what was wrong. Jared’s impatience was growing with every minute that passed, with no sign of any doctor coming to talk to them. He was going out of his mind. 

After what felt like an eternity but was only ten minutes later, a nurse walked towards them and urged them to take a seat in the waiting room where the doctor would meet them soon. They all shifted to the waiting room, each one taking a seat while Jared paced the room. He was restless, and he’d continue to feel so until he got some answers. Soon enough, the door to the waiting room opened and a man in a white coat walked in. His face was grim and Jared felt sick to his stomach.

“Which one of you is Mr. Padalecki?” the doctor asked. 

Jared immediately walked towards him. “That's me. What’s wrong? What happened to Jensen?”

“Mr. Padalecki, I’m Dr. Richards. I suggest you sit down before we have this conversation.”

Jared dreaded whatever was about to be revealed to him. “No, you better start talking doctor because I’ve been patiently waiting for answers and so far I’ve gotten none.” 

“Jaybird, please,” Chad interrupted, “We all want to know what’s going on. But we need to be strong. For Jensen. Please Jaybird, come on, sit with us.”

A plea coming from Chad was enough for Jared to do as the doctor said. He sat down between Chad and Katie, each of them holding on to him, trying to be his pillars. The doctor dragged over a chair from a corner and sat down opposite them. 

“Mr. Padalecki. Before I tell you the details, I need to ask you some questions. Did you know your husband had high blood pressure?”

That was news to Jared. He looked at the others to see if they knew something, but it got him only blank stares. “Umm... No, I didn’t know that.”

The doctor looked at him oddly for a second but continued anyway, “For how long has he been drinking?” 

Jared was at a loss of words. All his life he had known Jensen, his husband consumed an occasional drink, but it was very rare as he wasn’t very fond of drinking. Especially once he was thrown into the mob life, he had kept himself in shape and focused. He couldn’t afford the leisurely comfort of alcohol to distract himself. And suddenly for the doctor to ask that question… . something was seriously wrong. 

“No, no, Jensen doesn’t... he didn’t…” Jared spoke only to stop when Chris spoke.

“Actually, he’s been drinking for the past three years.” That information stunned Jared. 

“And would you say he was a heavy drinker?”

The doctor aimed at Chris.

“Yes. I think it’s been rising steadily over the past few months.” 

“How many drinks per day?” 

“I’d say I had to physically restrain him when he finished two bottles of whisky in two days.” 

“What about his diet? Has he been taking meals regularly?”

It was Katie who answered this time, “No. He only eats when he feels like it and mostly late at night. He’d sometimes only have grilled cheese or only a few spoons of meal before he’d say he’s full.”

Jared was once again left speechless. It was as if he was being introduced to a stranger. 

“How about sleeping habits?” 

“He only sleeps soundly only when he’s drunk. Otherwise, he stays up late in his office. I’ve seen Jensen going without sleep for three straight days,” Steve spoke in a soft voice.

Jared listened to all the information, shocked to his core. This was not his Jensen. His Jensen wasn’t a drunkard, always ate healthy food and loved his sleep. He remembered Jensen being a grumpy man whenever he woke up from his nap. This... this was someone else. It had to be. Otherwise, the implication that Jensen had turned into a careless alcoholic after Jared left was far too painful to digest. Jared looked at his friends, wide-eyed, trying to comprehend just how damaged Jensen had become. 

“That explains the stress on his heart.” The doctor sighed, scratched his head and continued, “Mr. Padalecki…”

“Jared, please.” 

“Ok, Jared. Your husband is suffering from a heart disorder called Dilated Cardiomyopathy. When the blood flow ability of your heart's main pumping chamber — the left ventricle — becomes enlarged and can't effectively pump blood out of the heart, it creates pressure on your heart and can lead to cardiac arrest if not treated in time which can be fatal. Has Jensen shown signs of dizziness. Fatigue, swollen ankles?”

“Now that you mention it, he tires easily, and he gets bouts of dizziness now and then. But I always chalked them up to his alcohol consumption,” Chad replied. 

“Has he suffered a cardiac arrest before?” the doctor asked.

“No,” Chad said. 

“Considering his vitals and reports, he’s one lucky bastard. They brought him in at the right time. Had there been some delay, we could have lost him. His blood flow to the heart needs correction. We’ve stabilized him at the moment but we need to do a minor surgery on him, otherwise, we’re afraid , it might leave permanent damage on his arteries.”

Jared just sat there dumbstruck, listening to everything that was being said about his husband. It all felt foreign to him, as if everything that was being said here was about someone else and not his husband. He felt numb. 

Jensen had a heart disease. Jensen had a heart disease. Jensen had a heart disease! For a second, Jared couldn't breathe. He had come so close to losing his husband. The mere idea had him hyperventilating. Jensen was his everything. His life, his reason to breathe. Jared could breathe in Scotland only because he knew that back home, Jensen was safe and sound. But to think it could have been otherwise was like the worst nightmare coming alive. He started sweating, his palms suddenly felt clammy, his breath caught in his throat and he could see black spots in front of his eyes. He felt someone pushing his head down, asking him to breathe slowly. 

“Hey Jared, breathe with me. Come one, man, deep breaths, one... two... three.” Chad’s voice echoed in his ears and he did as he was being told. He slowly came back to himself. Tear-filled hazel eyes looked at Chad as Jared spoke.

“I can’t lose him, Chad... I just cannot. He’s my…” everything. He wanted to say. But Chad silently patted his back in understanding. 

“I know, Jaybird. Dr. Richards here will do everything in his power to save him, won’t you?” Chad pointedly asked the doctor. 

“I assure you Jared, me and my team will do our best.” 

“You said delay. I don’t understand. Jensen had been showing signs of all the symptoms, but then he never had an episode. So why now? What happened that was so bad that he suddenly fainted?” Chis asked suddenly. 

“Well, given the tremendous stress his heart was under, he was bound to have an episode sooner than later. But if you specifically are asking for a trigger, then it could have been anything. If you don’t mind, what was Jensen doing when he fell unconscious? Was he under some duress?”

It suddenly dawned on Jared what the reason behind this incident could be. Jensen was already vulnerable. He was drinking, not eating, not sleeping... all those were the signs of someone trying to cope with loss. And Jared exactly knew what Jensen was trying to cope with. Because Jared himself had gone through the phase, albeit never going so extreme as indulging in alcohol abuse. Jensen was suffering from heartbreak. The heartbreak that Jared had caused. To top it off, when Jared finally met Jensen, it wasn’t because he wanted to repair the damage done to their relationship or to get back together. No, it was to serve him with divorce papers. Considering everything, Jared understood that Jensen’s heart had suffered the most when he had handed him the divorce papers. He remembered the look of shock, betrayal and hurt on Jensen’s face before he collapsed in his study. 

“Let's say he was going through some heavy stuff,” Steve said, pointedly looking at Jared for a second before changing the subject. “What would the surgery entail? Is it safe for him?”

“Yes. We’ll just go in and repair his arteries. He’ll be on heavy medication because of his blood pressure, and he might go through some physical recovery. But yes, the surgery is our only option at the moment. We’ll need your signature on the consent forms, Jared. Because we sedated Jensen, as his husband, you are the next of kin to give consent on his behalf.”

“Yeah... ok,” Jared replied. 

“We’re preparing him for surgery at this minute. I believe you’ll complete the formalities by then.” Saying that the doctor left for the ER room. 

A minute later, a nurse came in with all the forms and Jared filled them out. Once it was done, they were left on their own. 

****

Jared was sitting in a chair, staring blankly at the white wall ahead of him when Chris spoke. Jensen was in surgery for about an hour now. 

“Jared, now is the time to tell us what went down with you two?” Chris’s voice was cold and Jared was surprised to know it was pointed at him. Was this the same man who had been so warm just some time ago?

Jared knew he had to tell them what was the intention behind his sudden appearance in their lives after complete silence of five years. But the hostility with which Chris was speaking, he had an inkling that they would blame him for Jensen’s condition. Jared thought after what he did, he deserved it. 

“I was... we were just having a conversation …”

“What kind of conversation?” It was clear from his tone that Chris was getting impatient.

“Chris,” Steve warned his friend. He knew Jared was fragile right now, and he didn’t want Chris’ s brash words to hurt Jared. Not now, when Jensen wasn’t there to pick up the pieces. 

“No, I have had enough,” Chris yelled at Steve. All his life he’s been Jensen’s shadow, keeping him safe, protecting him. He always was in the loop of what was going on with Jensen. Given the uncertainty right now, with Jensen’s life in danger, it was messing with his head. “Jared has been a part of our lives ever since we were kids and one fine day he leaves without telling us anything, leaving Jensen in a mess and now he’s suddenly back and Jensen is in the hospital. Things don’t add up. I wanna know what’s going on with you two.” 

Jared could only blink at the man. Two words registering in his brain. “Jensen was a mess? What do you mean?”

“Oh, please. Don’t play dumb. Jensen doted on you, Jared. He worshipped the very ground you walked on. You were his anchor, his better half. And with you gone, it devastated him, Jared. Do you have any idea what it feels like to see your best friend almost give up on living his life?” 

Jared’s jaw dropped. Not once in the past five years had he thought about Jensen suffering through it all. All he could see was Jensen, full of rage and revenge, walking a path of destruction. He felt guilt rising inside him for leaving Jensen behind to deal with everything on his own. But then he remembered he didn’t make that choice. No, it was Jensen who chose the path of revenge over him. 

“I didn’t leave him. He made me. I gave him a choice. I asked him to choose between that life in hell and me and you know what? He didn’t choose me!” Jared shouted out, knowing full well it sounded lame even to his ears. He couldn’t help it though, all the anger and helplessness came rushing back to him. It hurt to see his relationship going down the drain, and there was nothing Jared could do to stop it. “What was I supposed to do? I tried talking to him, I tried putting some sense into his head but... he won’t listen. After Jerome’s death, I just... I just couldn’t.”

The entire room went silent at that outburst. Jared continued, “I left because Jensen was no longer the same man I fell in love with. He was some blood craving monster and I couldn’t just stand there and watch the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me fall apart. He was hell bent on going after Victor Castle and I couldn’t just stay and watch him die bit by bit.”

“But he did, Jaybird. He went after Castle and we killed him. We ended the entire Sheppard Organization.” Chad spoke softly, knowing well that what he was about to tell his friend would only hurt him more. 

“What did you say?” This was new to Jared. It convinced Jared that Castle was far more powerful and tactical as compared to Jensen’s revenge filled plan and if Jensen went after Castle, Jared was sure he would die. So when Chad spoke, it was hard to comprehend that Jensen had taken Castle out. 

Chad cleared his throat before speaking, “After you left, Jensen was a mess for about a week. Chris had to physically drag him out of his room to force him to eat. We all took turns looking after Jensen. But then we heard whispers that Castle was getting a new assignment, and Jensen made a plan. He was determined to get you back. He decided that he’d plan Castle’s downfall, execute it and stabilize the Padalecki gang, just to get you back. He had comprehensive plans of slowly legalizing all our organizations so he could prove to you he was the same Jensen you fell in love with. He wanted to live a normal life with you. That’s why the entire operation to bring down Sheppard was planned.” 

“It took us a year to end them.” Steve took up from where Chad left off. “Meanwhile, Jensen and Chris worked with a lawyer to end all our illegal dealings and set up good business to build a good empire. I gave our men the handiwork of doing the dirty work, while we were heading the operation. After taking Sheppard out we were finally able to deal with Castle. We clamped down on the organization and finally trapped Castle. He died on the spot. Took us some time to end the influence of Sheppard. Because we ended Sheppard’s reign, Jensen became the most feared mob boss ever. After that, it as easy to silence those who questioned Jensen’s authority. They either submitted to him or were dealt with. At first the speed at which Jensen was working, we thought he was on a deadline or something. We feared the FBI was after us. But it was the opposite. He had found out where you were and he wanted to speed up the work so he could meet you at Glasgow and prove to you he could be the same Jensen again.” 

“He found me? Wait...he knew I was at Glasgow all this time?” Jared felt like he was in a fast-paced action movie or something. He was being whiplashed with information right and left. 

“Yes, you moron. He even flew down there two years ago,” Chris replied this time, irritated. “He wanted to surprise you. He was waiting outside your apartment building that morning when you came out with eye candy on your arm, smiling at each other, and he saw you kiss that guy. He said he’d never seen you so happy in his life. He came back, broken. We didn’t recognize this Jensen at all. His drinking problems were under control til then, but everything changed drastically after that day. He started drinking too much, and he didn’t sleep for days. He’d have nightmares when he fell asleep and he’d wake up shouting for you. Me and Steve took over the Padalecki empire temporarily hoping Jensen got better. But he’s been deteriorating ever since.”

Jared felt nauseous. He remembers that day. He had a one-night stand. It was his first and last because he was drunk when it happened and it left him feeling hopeless, or so he thought. At first he was in shock, but then the guy had told him that nothing happened between them, except for exchanging a few kisses. The guy said Jared kept talking about someone called “Jen” and the guy patiently listened. Because he was clearly in love with this “Jen”, the guy didn’t want to take advantage so they ended up chatting some more and Jared thanked him by escorting the guy out and bidding him goodbye. Jared felt horrible after that. He had cheated on Jensen, sort of, even if they were estranged. To think that Jensen suffered because of his stupidity left him feeling sick to his stomach. He felt a sting of tears behind his eyelids. Pain never felt so real as it did that minute. Jensen was suffering all this time and then Jared had handed him the divorce papers, which put pressure on him that led to his collapse.

When Jared had met Jensen to ask him for a divorce, all he could think of was moving on from his past. He never thought that one move could have taken Jensen away from him forever. He remembered the elated expressions on Jensen’s face when they met. He remembered how happy he looked, even if he had dark circles under his sunken green eyes. Jared also remembered how the happiness quickly turned into shock and then resignation when he handed Jensen the divorce papers. He remembered the one moment when Jensen’s tear-filled eyes stared at him for a long time as if taking in Jared, trying to remember his every feature. The next moment he watched as his husband’s eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed, clutching at his chest. 

Till that moment, all Jared could think about was how difficult it would be to move on from Jensen. He had already been estranged for the past five years. H e could do it. Or so he thought. When he saw Jensen lying on the floor, all he did was scream for help. The idea of losing Jensen had shaken him to his core. He couldn’t lose him. No matter how much they fought, Jensen was still his love. His life. 

Tears silently made their way down his cheeks as he sat there numb. It felt like the walls were closing in on him. He couldn't stand to stay there in the room. He rushed out of the room, Chad’s voice trailing after him to stop. He ran until he was out of the hospital and reached the parking lot. There was a small bench made for bystanders to sit. He sat down on the bench while harsh sobs made their way out. He cried like he had never before. His fear, anxiety, love, loss, everything let loose. Only one thought remained. 

Jensen. 

****

Jared didn’t know how long he was sitting there, dried tear tracks on his face, staring blankly at the road ahead of him, when Katie came out to get him. 

“You know, I don’t know whatever went down in that room between you two, but I know Jensen loves you,” she whispered softly.

A wet chuckle escaped Jared, “I know.”

“Do you? Because it seems quite like you don’t. After what he suffered, Jensen is still breathing. It means he’s fighting. If I were to give my opinion Jared, I think he is fighting for you.”

“Do you think he collapsed because I…” Jared stopped mid-sentence, biting on his lips, trying to gather his thoughts, debating whether he should tell her and willing the lump in his throat to subside so he could talk. 

Katie immediately was on guard, knowing well that whatever was coming next was going to open the closet of skeletons. “Because of what, Jared? You know you can tell me anything.” She did her best to reassure the broken man. 

Jared turned to her, eyes bloodshot and misery written all over his face, panic evident in his voice, “You have to promise not to tell anyone, Katie. Promise me…”

Listening to the scared voice of her friend, Katie tried her best to calm Jared down. She took his hands in her and squeezed them, “Of course. I won’t even tell Chad. What happened this morning, Jared?” 

Jared swallowed hard before he started speaking. “I...I was so hurt when Jensen ...like five years ago. He said I wasn’t above anyone else... and he chose revenge and violence over me. Me! His husband! And then... Jerome was killed... and it felt like Jensen couldn’t care less. It was like he suddenly abandoned me, his family! I was heartbroken, Katie.” Jared rambled on between hiccups and sobs. “For the past five years, I tried moving on, mending my broken heart, doing my best to overcome my past and now…” Jared gulped, not knowing how he should speak next.

Listening to Jared brought tears to Katie’s eyes. She was silently thanking all her stars for helping her meet Chad. And while theirs wasn’t an uncomplicated relationship, it was still one of the most beautiful things in Katie’s life, and she was thankful that she never had to suffer through a broken heart. She hoped to everything that’s holy that she never had to. She slowly rubbed her hand on Jared’s back, trying to comfort him. It seemed to do the trick because after a moment Jared took a deep breath and started speaking again. 

“I wanted to cut all the chords that tied me to Jensen. I finally had tenure at the university and I wanted to start fresh. So I came back with only one thing in mind. I wanted a divorce…” Jared ignored the audible gasp that escaped Katie in favor of continuing his story, “I wanted a divorce from Jensen.”

Katie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Jensen and Jared had always fit together like a puzzle, so close to each other, joined at the hip, always together. It was the whole soulmates shit coming true. No one knew how hard they both were trying to make things work. To an outsider, they were the perfect image of a happy couple. But to know that after everything that they’d been through, they were almost on the verge of separation was hard to digest. Katie said nothing. She couldn’t. It was as if her brain had short-circuited. She struggled to believe that her friends were going through so much and she couldn’t help them. “Jared, why didn’t you say anything?” Katie whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks, “We could have helped…”

“Helped how?” Jared shouted, making Katie flinch, “How could you have possibly helped me?” Jared was sobbing hard. “I was so blind and so selfish in my misery,” he shook his head, running his hands through his hair, trying to find words, “not once did I think Jensen could be the one suffering too. I always thought Jensen was the one who gave up on us, but that never was the case, was it?” 

Katie didn’t know if she should respond. She sensed it was kind of a rhetorical question. She listened patiently instead. 

“He always wanted to work on our relationship. He wanted us to get back together. It was me who couldn’t see it. Why couldn’t I...? When I handed him the divorce papers, Katie, you should have seen his face. He was so pale, and he looked ashen, like he just saw a ghost. He looked at me like he was trying to remember every fiber of my being, and he said ... he said… it’s ok Jay... he said it like it was a goodbye. The next moment, he collapsed.”

Katie listened in horror as her friend narrated the incident. “But... It wasn’t your fault, Jared.” 

“Wasn’t it? He made everything right, left the life of blood and violence, came to see me in the city, saw me with some guy, decided that I was happy and suffered silently in agony. All because of me! If that wasn’t enough, I walked in, after five years and like a bitch that I am, I handed him divorce papers; that was the last straw. So tell me again how I am not responsible for Jensen's condition?” A wide eyed, desperate Jared asked.

Katie could only embrace the whimpering wreck of a man sitting in front of her, knowing that it would never soothe his wounds. She hoped it would at least help him calm down some. “It’s ok, Jared. Everything will be alright.”

“No, nothing is going to be alright. I wanted a divorce knowing that I would free Jensen from the burden and he would be a free bird. But seeing him like this... I can’t. I can’t let him go, Katie. I can’t. I won’t survive.”

“Sh...shh...no, Jare, don’t speak like that. Jensen’s going to be alright, you hear me. And so will you. He’s going to wake up and you are going to talk and you both will get to spend the rest of your lives together. You hear me? Everything is going to be ok. It has to be.” Katie didn’t know if her words of encouragement were for Jared or herself. 

“I love him, Katie. If something happens to him…”

“Nothing will happen to him, Jared. Trust him, trust your love for each other. He’s going to be just fine.” Katie broke their embrace and looked at shining hazel eyes. Her words seemed to soothe his battered heart. Jared gave her a smile, trying to be strong. For Jensen. 

They were just trying to calm themselves down when Steve came out running, obviously looking for them. 

“Come on. The doctor has asked us to assemble. Jensen’s out of surgery. The nurse informed us.” Steve mentioned. 

Jared nodded. They both stood up and they all headed inside. 

The doctor came in just as Jared and Katie reached the waiting room. 

“How is he?” An anxious Jared asked.

“The surgery was successful. We’ve repaired his arteries and his vitals are stable at the moment.”

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Jared especially so. His husband was going to be alright. 

“When can we see him?” Jared asked. 

“We’ve sedated him at the moment and once the effects of the meds wear off we’re hoping he’ll be awake by tomorrow.”

“Thank you, doctor.” 

The doctor left, reassuring them all that Jensen would pull through, and Jared cried with relief.

****

Jared was still processing his emotions. Chad had insisted that he go home for the night, and Jared was so exhausted that he couldn't even sleep at first. He was staying at the hotel, but he couldn’t go back there. Chris and Steve drove him back to Jensen’s home. It was a vast mansion that had a big front yard and a fountain, just like Jared always wanted. It was on plush green gardens. From the driveway, Jared could see there were two guesthouse behind the main building. Chris dropped Jared at the entrance and headed back towards the guesthouse. It confused Jared for a second, but Steve informed him that the guesthouses were almost like mini apartments and one was reserved for him and Chris and one for Chad and Katie. Once they entered the house, Steve gave him a tour. The left wing consisted of the quarters for the servants and office. The right wing consisted of a kitchen, and a living room with huge French doors. The backyard was huge and there was a solarium that was partly turned into an art studio. The bedrooms were on the first floor. The house was everything that Jared ever wanted. It took care of all his needs. Sudden tears sprang in his eyes at the thought that Jensen had clearly bought this house just for him. 

“He bought this before heading to meet you in Glasgow. He wanted to surprise you,” Steve informed him softly. 

“I just…”

“He’s going to be okay, Jared. You heard the doctor.” 

“I know. Steve...I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“We all did, Jared. We all could see you two floundering after Jerome’s death, but we ignored the situation. After you left, one of us could have easily come after you and informed you about what was going on, but we didn’t. We did nothing when we saw Jensen crumbing down in grief. So, yeah, we all fucked up. But that doesn’t mean we should give up on what could be. We all learned our lessons and we are going to move forward. That includes you and Jensen.” 

Jared found hope in his friends' words. “Thank you, Steve. I appreciate it.”

“That’s what friends are for, dude. Now, this is your room. I’m sorry it’s the only one prepared so you have to stay here. Just so you know, Jensen’s room is there.” Steve pointed towards the room that was diagonally opposite to Jared’s and smiled. “Good night. I’ll pick you up in the morning.” 

“Yeah.” Jared bid his friend goodnight and his legs automatically led him into Jensen’s room. The master - bedroom was just as beautiful as the house. There was a king-sized bed in the middle of the room with mahogany dressers and nightstands. There was a TV and a small balcony that gave a peek to the backyard. The master bath was just as big, with a jacuzzi and a walk-in closet. The walls were soft yellow and grey, the cream colored bedding complimenting them. The room was carpeted, something that Jared always wanted. 

Jared approached the bed slowly and laid down. The moment he touched the pillow, it filled his senses with Jensen’s scent, the cologne that his husband always used. It ached to see Jensen doing everything that reminded him of Jared while he had done everything that would help him forget about Jensen. Pillow clutched to his chest, Jared fell into a restless sleep, wishing it was day already and he could meet Jensen and apologize for all the heartbreak he caused. 

****

The next day, Chris brought them some breakfast, and they headed to the hospital when Chad called, telling them the doctors were going to take Jensen off sedation. Chad and Katie had stayed back, sending Jared packing back to home. Jared knew the reason Chad had insisted he come home. It was because he wanted Jared to know just how much Jensen cherished him. Jared knew in his heart that Jensen still loved him. He just hoped it would be enough to overcome all the hurdles. 

They reached the hospital to see Chad and Katie waiting for them. 

“They say Jensen is doing good. He should wake up soon.” Chad nodded at Jared, trying to assure him. 

“Yeah, and only one person can visit at a time. So we have to schedule our time around him,” Katie added. “If you want to see him…”

Jared just stood there silently, listening to everything that was being said. He didn’t know if he could face Jensen just yet. His heart though, was racing and he wanted to see his husband. Chad looked at him, a small assuring smile on his face and waved his thumb in direction of the room, and Jared took a deep breath before stepping inside the room. 

They moved Jensen into a private room, where he was surrounded by machines and attached to tubes. One look at Jensen and Jared felt sick. Jensen looked so pale and so small in the hospital bed. His otherwise lively husband was lying in the bed, unmoving. The only hint that Jensen was alive was because of the machine’s beeping and the slow rise and fall of his chest. Jared walked towards his husband and sat down on the chair beside the table. Jared touched Jensen’s hand. A small whimper escaped Jared as he struggled to keep his tears at bay. He slipped his own hand into that of Jensen and held on to him. 

“Oh, Jen…” He kissed the knuckles, “I love you so much. So much that I can’t even breathe sometimes. Please Jen, please come back to me. I promise I’ll never leave you, even if you order me to. Not even Chris can force me to stay away from you. Just come back to me, Jen.” 

Jared didn’t know how long he sat there crying. In reality, it was only a few minutes before he felt Jensen’s fingers moving, which alerted Jared that his husband was trying to wake up. He immediately stood up, trying to stand so he would be in Jensen’s direct line of vision when Jensen opened his eyes. 

“Hey Jen, wake up for me, baby,” Jared said. He smiled as he heard a groan escape the man, and slowly he blinked his eyes open. 

“Hey there, sleeping beauty.” Jared smiled, dimples peeking out. He could see Jensen was a bit confused as his green eyes roamed around trying to understand what was going on. Jensen tried speaking, but he couldn’t because he was intubated and Jared did his best to calm him down. “It’s alright. You are in a hospital. You were unconscious. Seems like you have a heart condition. They had to operate on you. But you’re fine now. You’re just fine.” Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen’s forehead. 

Jensen though seemed to agitate as he tried to sit up and his heart rate picked up, making the machines beep louder. Jared immediately called for the doctor. Moments later, the doctor and the nurses rushed in and checked on Jensen, Jared being the bystander in the room's corner. 

Jared watched as his husband was poked and prodded and they took out the oxygen tubes while his IV was changed. The doctors asked Jensen a few questions, and when Jensen spoke for the first time, Jared felt like he could cry from happiness. Jensen’s voice was groggy, but it also sounded so much like the grumpy old Jensen that it made Jared weak in the knees. He wanted to cry from happiness. Once the doctors were satisfied that Jensen was alright, they left, leaving a nurse behind to record his vitals and nervous Jared in the room. 

Jared stared at his husband until the nurse spoke to him, pointing to some equipment. “This button will monitor your morphine dose while this right here is a call button. If you feel need anything, just press it”

Once the nurse was out, Jared once again took his position on the chair, taking one of Jensen’s hands and cupping it in between his palms. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Like they hit me with a bullet.” Jensen said, voice steady. “What are you doing here?”

This was the moment Jared had been dreading. What could he say? He could dodge the question or he could tell the truth. He went with the latter. “I’m here because my idiot husband forgot to take care of himself, which resulted in some heart disorder. I’m here so that once he’s discharged, I can take care of him for the rest of his life so that he doesn’t end up in the ER.” 

Jensen’s eyes were shining with pain, anger and fear. Jared could tell. He held a Ph.D. in Jensen, the green-eyed man being the subject of his expertise. “Jared, you don’t have to. Just because I ended up in hospital doesn’t mean you should leave all your dreams behind. The guys are here. They can look after me. You should go.”

“Go where Jensen?” Jared asked, trying to understand what Jensen was getting to.

“To Glasgow. You have a life there. You were happy there. I… I’ll mail you the divorce papers there once I’m out of here.” Jensen’s voice was trembling, his eyes glassy with tears, and Jared could almost feel the pain behind those words. 

Panic gripped Jared at the mention of divorce papers. “No, Jensen. I was wrong. Wrong to think that we could be better apart than together. But watching you like this...I can’t lose you, Jen.”

“Jay...you’re just feeling guilty.” Jensen shook his head.

“No... yes... I mean, no damn it, Jensen. I know what I am feeling ok? I love you, Jen. Love you so much that I feel like I can’t survive without you.” Jared tried, almost begged with Jensen, trying his best to reach through the stubborn husband of his. 

“But you survived, Jared. For five years.” Jensen’s voice was resigned. It was like he was giving up on them.

“No. I didn’t survive. I was going through the motions. I made it because I knew you were alive and breathing somewhere, even if it wasn’t with me. But the past 24 hours... Jen, if something would have happened to you, I couldn’t make it. I would have died Jensen!” Jared’s voice shook, the idea of living without Jensen chilling him to his soul.

Jared felt his hand being squeezed, and he kissed Jensen’s knuckles, “I’m sorry, J en. So sorry that I left. I never should have left and I would never forgive myself for leaving you, ever. Please forgive me.”

Jared could see Jensen gathering his strength to speak the next words. “Jay...you have to know, it hurt that you never tried to understand my position. It hurt even more when I saw you with…”

“I know. Chris told me. Nothing happened between us...with that guy you saw me with. I was too drunk to do anythig and ... Jen, I never meant to…” 

“If you are not there, I don’t know what to do. Alcohol is my only companion.” Jensen confessed, eyes downcast, shame coloring his face. But it was naked truth. Without Jared to anchor him, Jensen was useless. 

“No, you never are going to go back on a self-destructive path, Jen. I’m going to ensure that.” Jared said firmly.

“Jay... I love you, but I can’t…” Jensen choked up, a single tear making its way down his eye. Jared understood though. At the back of his mind, he always assumed Jensen would take him back but he should have known that after going through hell, Jensen would never forgive him, never take him back. 

Jared broke down crying. He felt like the ground would shatter beneath him. He knew Jensen would never forgive him. But he gathered that he would have to work up to it. To hear that Jensen would never forgive him crushed him. Tears started flowing as he tried to grasp the idea of never having Jensen in his life again. 

“Jay, why are you crying?” Jensen’s tone was confused. 

Jred wiped his eyes, “It’s ok, Jensen. I understand. Can we be at least friends again? I can’t... I need to have you in my life, Jen.”

“Jay, what….” Jensen couldn’t understand what Jared was talking about. 

Jared continued, like he hadn’t heard Jensen, “It’s alright Jen. Just don’t shut me out. Please don’t shut me out, Jen. I can... I will be your best friend. The best you could ask for but please ... just please.” There was desperation in Jared’s voice.

“Jay, what are you talking about?” 

“You said...I said, I love you and you said you can’t….” Jared wailed, his heart feeling as if it was being ripped out.

“You idiot, you didn’t let me finish. I said, I can’t promise you everything will be back to normal. Because I’m not the same Jensen , you left five years ago. But slow...can we go slow and see how it goes?” This time Jensen’s voice was full of hope. 

This was so damn confusing. Why couldn’t his husband just straighten things out? “Jen… what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I forgive you and I love you. So much.” Jensen said, a smile gracing his 

face. 

Jared was stunned for a moment. He thought he’d have to beg Jensen to take him back, maybe fight tooth and nail, create a scene or something. But Jensen forgave him so easily. “Just like that? Why? How? How can you forgive me so easily?” 

“Because, I love you, silly. It’s as simple as that. Doesn’t mean you won’t have to work hard to gain y trust again.” Jensen replied. 

Hearing those words, Jared surged up and did what he had been dying to do since Jensen woke up. He kissed Jensen, pouring all his love into it. He knew it would not be easy, and he was damn lucky to have been given a second chance,  but he vowed to never let it slip out of his hands. He had a lot to make up for. But the smile that graced Jensen’s lips once they broke the kiss was worth every moment of heartache he suffered through. Or maybe they had to go through tough times to realize they were always better together than apart. Jared was convinced they would pull through. They would emerge stronger than ever before. Because they couldn’t function without each other. They were meant to be. 

“I love you too, Jen. Forever.”

The End.   
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Let me know what you think.


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